I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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