I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
