watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
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