Where are you?
In a non slutty way
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
