so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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