It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
