his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
