I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Randomize
