Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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