i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
