Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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