I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
