I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Randomize
