I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
