I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
