Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
