I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
