Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
