I wanna bring you to show and tell
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I think my moral compass just broke
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