Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize