She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Bring me that man meat
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
