So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
