I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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