Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Dick very happy bro
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
