i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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