Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize