my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
