Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize