Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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