wrigley field is MILF paradise
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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