I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
