i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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