By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
