My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
