I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
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