Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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