I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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