Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Who died my cat blue again?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
