you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Randomize
