Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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