sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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