I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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