I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
