Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
