Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
we're chasing vodka with high fives
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
worst night to have a conscience
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
