I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
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