we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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