Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
