we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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