I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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