Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Randomize