It's a beautiful day for a hangover
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
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