pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Randomize
