textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
