I can tuck mytits in my pants
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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