That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Randomize
